


The Jackbox Verse

by MecchanOtaku



Category: Jackbox Games
Genre: Black Comedy, Canon is loose to begin with but technically this is an AU, Casual Insanity, Comedy, Cookie and Schmitty are just the protagonists, Cookie is a tsundere, Cookie just escaped Binjpipe btw, Death is cheap, Gen, He doesn't admit Schmitty is his friend but they're friends, LOTS of stupid humor, Neighbors, Schmitty is a dumbass, Will add more characters later - Freeform, a little angst every now and again, basically every Jackbox character makes an appearance at some point, stupid humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28851900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MecchanOtaku/pseuds/MecchanOtaku
Summary: So what if the cast of Jackbox Games (including the You Don't Know Jack series) was in a series full of complete and utter chaos? Well, I decided to write about that because I'm an idiot. Join Cookie and Schmitty in their adventures in this crazy messed up world!
Relationships: Cookie Masterson & Josh "Schmitty" Schmitstinstein
Kudos: 5





	1. Complex Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> Please be aware there is going to be some stuff that might not quite mesh up with canon, since it's practically impossible for me to know everything about Jackbox and YDKJ due to just how huge and random they are, as well as some stuff that I interpreted a different way to how I eventually found out was canonically correct but I couldn't let go of my interpretation. For that reason I consider this work an AU.

It was a moderately temperate day as the sun rose, casting a shadow on the building once known as Binjpipe’s headquarters.

After spending the night in a cheap motel, Cookie Masterson stared at the building for a while. It felt surreal to finally be in the real world again. Well, as real as this world could get, what with the monsters and casual insanity and stuff.

He took out his old phone for a bit. Nate advised him to use that one if he wanted to avoid the Binjpipe AI, since for some reason the phone app was still active.

“So you say you have a place for me at the new complex, right?” He spoke.

Over the years he spent trapped in Binjpipe’s simulation, he’d ended up losing his home and needed a new place to live. Luckily, he found an apartment complex that had just opened up a few years ago and had plenty of space for him.

“Oh thank god, it does accept pets. For a moment there I thought I’d have to say goodbye to Poopsie too!” He sighed in relief.

After finding out what Binjpipe did to Mayonnaise he always feared losing his other cat as well, so he was worried that this new complex wouldn’t allow him to bring him… her… whatever. He didn’t check his cats’ genitals for crying out loud!

“Okay, done. No, I don’t need to know who else is there. All I really wanted was a place I could bring my cat to.” Cookie hung up and got ready to move into his new home.

—

“You’re serious? Someone else decided to move here?” Josh ‘Schmitty’ Schmitstinstein asked over the phone.

For a while, Schmitty was the only person living in the complex. It’s true that he had the Quips to keep him company, but it was kind of maddening having this entire building to himself, so it was quite a relief to finally have someone else around!

“Oh thank god, finally!” He exclaimed in excitement. “I don’t even care who it is at this point! Just… yes!”

He then hung up the phone before he could get an answer on who it was that would move into the complex.

The complex itself was less like a complex and more like an elaborate sharehouse. Everyone had their own bedroom, bathroom and mini-kitchen, but there was a large shared area for everyone with a much larger kitchen and dining area, a work area, a laundry area and a living room. Pets were allowed on the condition they only go in the apartments and hallways.

Because of how unconventional the complex was, only Schmitty ever wanted to live there up until now. The Quips were pretty much the only things keeping him from going completely insane from isolation.

“Right! Now I gotta make sure whoever’s moved in will never want to leave! So this calls for a welcoming party!” Schmitty then gathered the Quips and they all got straight to work.

—

Cookie sighed, slumped against the wall of the motel.

“You know, it’s been three years since Binjpipe 'employed’ me and I gotta say, through all the stuff I’d been through, the simulation glitching out every once in a while, that weird time Jimmy Fallon showed up and refused to leave, getting to spend time with a fake version of Mayonnaise even after finding out about what happened to the real one, I’m glad I pulled through and can finally talk to you again, you know?”

Poopsie then licked his ass, turning Cookie’s expression from that of melancholy to that of pure cynicism.

“Thanks for your support, now get in the damn carrier.”

—

“Now that the place is all spruced up, it’s time to bring the entertainment. And hey, who doesn’t love Quiplash?” Schmitty suggested, because of course he would.

Schmitty then thought about it. Well, maybe old cranky people wouldn’t like it. Or mothers. Or his ex.

“Hm, actually, let’s check who exactly it is coming over.” He then looked at the name on the door for the soon-to-be-filled apartment, which coincidentally happened to be right next to his.

He then saw the name.

Cookie Masterson.

“Oh.” Schmitty looked genuinely surprised. He hadn’t heard from Cookie ever since they last talked seven years ago. And even then he swore he’d lived in Binjpipe headquarters for the past few years.

A smug smile then formed across his face.

“Okay, we’re definitely doing Quiplash.”

—

Cookie arrived in the cab with all his things, Poopsie in the carrier, and tons of scratches all over him.

“Don’t ask.” He snapped at the driver. “Just take me to the complex.”

As the cab drove to the complex, Cookie stared in mild awe at how even crazier things had gotten since the last time he saw the outside world. Giant robots? Personality-centric science facilities? A billboard for a sitcom about devils played by real devils? How much had gone on in the last three years?

As the cab pulled over to the complex, Cookie looked at it and saw that it seemed to be decorated for some sort of party. Hey, maybe this would be a good new home, it seemed welcoming enough!

Cookie then got in, his hopes higher than usual.

Until he saw who was there.

Cookie and Schmitty stared at each other for a while, Cookie giving an unamused scowl and Schmitty emitting a smug aura.

Finally, Cookie spoke up.

“I see your sense of fashion still sucks.” He snarked, glancing upon Schmitty’s odd combination of a patchwork Hawaiian shirt, jogging pants and snow boots.

“Really? That’s what we’re starting with?” Schmitty sighed, before switching back to his smug expression. “I’ve really been wanting to talk again for so long, you know. Where did we leave off again?”

Cookie groaned. That’s what Schmitty was getting at. He thought after Quiplash’s success, Schmitty would have forgotten about that conversation that aged like milk. But of course he didn’t. It was Schmitty, for crying out loud!

“Yeah, I get it. Now where’s my apartment?” Cookie snapped. He was not going to deal with this bullshit.

“Oh, it’s up there. Right next to mine. Yep, we’re officially neighbors now!” Schmitty taunted some more gleefully.

“You are never going to let me live it down, are you?” Cookie sighed.

“Never.” Schmitty smiled. He’d been waiting so long to get the chance to make fun of Cookie again. And he’s going to at every perfect opportunity.

Cookie stormed into his apartment and unpacked his things. Well, he was just going to have to deal with Schmitty annoying him. Compared to his situation with Binjpipe, that was nothing. He could handle it.

Schmitty looked a little confused. Did Cookie really just give up that quickly?

“Come on, Cookie! I didn’t set this welcoming party up for nothing, you know!” Schmitty called out.

“Have some fun with your cereal marshmallows, you fucking weirdo.” a muffled voice could be heard from Cookie’s apartment.

Schmitty sighed and walked over to the party room. All that effort for nothing? Really?

—

Once Cookie was done unpacking, he laid on his bed for a moment. Why DID Schmitty care so much about that anyway? And why was he so smug about it? He was successful now, sure, but not that successful!

…At least as far as Cookie knew, anyway.

A few moments passed.

It sure was awfully quiet. Shouldn’t Schmitty be joking around with those Quips by now?

He wasn’t upset or anything, was he? No, Schmitty wouldn’t be upset by something like this…

Right?

Cookie sighed. He might as well go downstairs and see if there’s anything he could get from the kitchen.

It had absolutely nothing to do with Schmitty’s odd silence.

Nothing at all.

—

Schmitty felt mildly miserable. He spent a good portion of the day preparing this party and hyping up his ego for nothing.

Why did he care so much about Cookie moving into the complex, anyway? After all, he used to spend all the time they were in the same place fighting with him.

He sighed. Of course. That was why. He missed that. He wanted to go back to those fights, like old times.

Has Cookie changed?

The door opened.

“Hey, do you know where the kitchen is?” Cookie asked, in his usual snarky tone.

He then looked around. Holy shit, Schmitty actually put a decent welcoming party together! No kidding!

“It’s in the back, but I kinda used up all the ingredients for the food here.” Schmitty said.

“Well why didn’t you just say so? I’m starving!” Cookie then grabbed some snacks and sat down.

“Cookie?” Schmitty started to speak, before getting interrupted.

“Anyway, since this stuff is still here I might as well stick around. It’d be a shame to waste them.” Cookie said with a mouthful of food. “And since I’m here I gotta ask one thing.”

Schmitty stared in both awe and disgust at how fast Cookie had changed his attitude.

After Cookie finished his mouthful, he spoke again. “What’s been going on for the last three years, anyway? I haven’t exactly been out much during that time.”

Schmitty’s face then fell to an unamused frown. Really, Cookie? You spent all that time not talking to anyone and had the gall to ignore everything else going on too?

“Why didn’t you find that out over the internet, Cookie?” Schmitty replied with anger in his voice.

“I dunno, I’ve been stuck in the same year all that time!” Cookie explained bluntly.

“Wow, and I thought I was the crazy one out of the two of us.” Schmitty fake laughed.

Cookie sighed. He was going to have to explain in more detail.

“Schmitty, I was trapped in a simulation, okay?” Cookie sighed.

Schmitty then burst into a fit of fake laughter. “Oh, that’s a great one! Hey, you might do great at my game with how funny you are!” He shouted sarcastically.

Schmitty then looked at Cookie’s unamused expression. His own face then slowly turned to one of shock.

Cookie was being serious.

—

“…And what did you think Nate was doing all that time, anyway?” Cookie asked.

“I dunno, I thought he’d gone cuckoo for politics or something!” Schmitty said.

After hearing what Cookie went through, his attitude earlier made much more sense. He did just have a very bad last three years, after all.

“Anyway, it’s a good thing you weren’t that involved in Binjpipe. Trust me, not even you deserve to go through what I did.” Cookie said with complete sincerity in his voice.

“Yeah, no kidding.” Schmitty said. “I’ve been stuck alone for a few hours, sure, but three years? I would have completely lost my mind!”

“Well, it wasn’t entirely alone. That’s not a good thing, though.” Cookie shuddered.

 _Jeez, was Binjpipe really that creepy?_ Schmitty thought to himself.

“Anyway, since I’m here I might as well. I did kind of ask for it after all.” Cookie sighed.

Schmitty looked confused for a moment, but seeing the box Cookie was standing right next to made him realise exactly what Cookie was talking about.

And so they spend the rest of the night playing Quiplash and bickering about it.

At the end, Schmitty was mostly relieved that despite everything, it looked like Cookie hadn’t changed at all! He was still the same snarky asshole he always was!

—

The next morning, Cookie got a letter from someone whose handwriting he didn’t recognize. It just said this:

_'Don’t forget_

_This will come in handy’_

At the bottom there was a weird ink splotch.

There was a present attached to the letter.

Cookie opened it. There was a cat brush inside.

At this point he didn’t know whether to be confused, relieved or horrified.


	2. Colorful Neighbors

About a week after Cookie moved into the complex, there was suddenly a call for more people moving in.

“But how? It took over 2 years for Cookie to move in, why are more people suddenly eager to get in so fast?” Schmitty said, understandably confused and overwhelmed.

“Yeah, I gotta ask, who exactly are these people anyway?” Cookie said. “Because if Jimmy Fallon is anywhere in that mix he'd be violating the restraining order.”

“Oh god, I hope it's not those monsters again. I let them know full well their aggressive PDA was way too uncomfortable here!” Schmitty groaned, hoping to god that wasn't the case.

The voice in the phone talked in one of those cartoonish sped-up phone voice noises that only the in-universe characters could understand.

“Oh.” Cookie said. “That makes sense, actually. Yeah, these guys will be fine.”

“Wait, who?” Schmitty asked, sounding genuinely confused.

“They're some old neighbors of mine. They can't seem to stay away from me for some reason, but they're pretty cool, so I let them stay.” Cookie explained.

\---

Shortly after, the new neighbors moved in. They were a bunch of brightly colorful people and one guy sneaking in the back colored head-to-toe in black.

“These are Mary, Robert, James, Dorothy, John, Betty, and the Faker!” Cookie explained.

As soon as the Faker was revealed, the rest of the new neighbors turned to face him and started chasing after him.

“I...” Schmitty stared at the new group, completely dumbfounded.

“Yeah, they do that. Don't worry.” Cookie said bluntly.

“Is this gonna end up being a problem at all?” Schmitty wondered.

“Nah, the Faker always tries to blend in with the others and cause mischief, but he's absolutely terrible at it. It's kinda hilarious.” Cookie assured Schmitty as Dorothy dragged the Faker by his collar.

“Well, what are we gonna do? I didn't have the time to prepare a party this time!” Schmitty complained.

“Hey, while they're busy dealing with the Faker and moving into their apartments, let's go get some stuff for that. Trust me, they'll be doing that for a while.” Cookie suggested.

“...How are we actually being civil today?” Schmitty asked mostly himself.

“Eh, it's a good day.” Cookie shrugged.

\---

On their way to the store, Cookie and Schmitty started talking about the neighborhood for a bit. Apparently this just so happened to be the densest part of the city and so there were a LOT of interesting people around here. And Schmitty, being a known extrovert, of course would know a lot of these people.

“Ugh, that captain really must have a hard time. Ventriloquist dummies will always come back to haunt you. Take my word for it.” Cookie groaned, wishing to get his own ventriloquist dummy out of his head.

“Anyway, this way's where the party supply store is. They're oddly popular around here for some reason.” Schmitty pointed to the store.

“Okay, let's go!” Cookie said.

As they approached the store, Cookie heard something behind him. He then quickly turned around only to find nothing there.

At first, he shrugged it off and went into the store with Schmitty.

After getting the stuff though, he noticed that noise occurring a lot more, which started to worry him.

“Hey, uh, Schmitty? This is gonna sound weird but... there wouldn't happen to be any known stalkers here, would there?” Cookie asked Schmitty.

“Whoa, that came out of nowhere!” Schmitty exclaimed.

“I think someone's following us.” Cookie whispered.

Schmitty thought for a moment. “Well there is one I know of... but no. It can't be him. I would have known if it was.”

Schmitty then walked off while Cookie froze in understandable horror.

“What do you mean you would have known if it was?!”

Thankfully, the noise stopped after that. They must have scared whoever it was off.

\---

As Cookie and Schmitty returned home, they found that all the new neighbors were gathered in one of the apartments playing Monopoly together. The Faker was in a cage watching the whole thing unfold.

“It's like that one meme picture.” Schmitty chuckled.

“Yeah, they do that a LOT. Which gives us just enough time to set everything up.” Cookie said.

“So what's the game gonna be then?” Schmitty asked.

“Well I thought it'd be best to go unbiased unlike some game nights...” Cookie glared at Schmitty. “So I got a copy of Earwax from the party supply store.”

“Fair enough. The clerk does often recommend it for some reason.” Schmitty pointed out. Now that he mentioned it, all the clerks in town recommended it, and they did all sound the same. Maybe there was something up there.

\---

One well-timed cut later, the two hosts had finally set up the party.

“With our efforts we might as well call this place the Party Complex” Schmitty joked.

But in all seriousness, they actually did a very good job.

Now all that was left was setting up Earwax.

“So there's a bit of a problem: There's nine of us and only eight speakers. And I don't wanna exclude anyone from this, including us.” Cookie mused.

“Don't worry, I have a plan for that.” Schmitty smirked. “Split it into two games. One group will be of four players and one will be of three.”

“That's kind of an uneven split but I guess it can't be helped.” Cookie sighed.

Then that noise could be heard again from outside.

Cookie and Schmitty turned to face the noise, but once again, there was nobody in sight.

They then shared worried and confused looks to each other.

\---

While the others were chatting, The Faker thought up a plan, having heard everything from below him.

“Just to spice things up, let's have the winners be able to do whatever they want to the people in last place.” He heard Cookie say.

“Okay, but if I win and you lose, you asked for it.” He heard Schmitty reply.

The Faker thought for a moment.

If he wins the Earwax game, he'd be able to do whatever he wanted to Cookie... or maybe even Schmitty, now that he thought about it.

And so he formulated a plan to cheat at Earwax and abuse his winning privileges!

The more colorful people he was right next to, however, immediately caught on that he was up to something.

“Okay, let's keep an eye on the Faker. He's got that face he makes when he's planning something. You know the one.” Betty pointed out.

“Oh man, I wish I could see it! That's a great face!” James whined jokingly.

\---

“Okay, guys, it's so good to see you all again and so we set you up a party.” Cookie said. “Now we got a game of Earwax later on so enjoy yourselves until then.”

Cookie then left the room and went down the Conveniently Dark Hallway (seriously, that's the actual name Schmitty gave to it when giving him a tour), only to get grabbed by an equally dark hand.

A few moments later, Cookie suddenly re-entered the room, but it was very clear once he started talking that something was off.

“Okay, so I talked to the Faker and he said he was going to sit out this game, so it looks like it'll just be us!” 'Cookie' said, visibly nervous.

The new neighbors glared at 'Cookie' but Schmitty just had a wide grin on his face.

“Oh hey, looks like this means we'll be going back to Plan A!” Schmitty exclaimed cheerfully.

The neighbors then stared dumbfounded at Schmitty. There was no way he was serious, right?

“Now we'd been talking about this and decided that the winner would get to give the person in last a punishment of their choice.” Schmitty explained. “So you better make sure you don't suck!”

Not sure how to handle this, the neighbors just decided to sit down and play.

“Cookie was right, he really is an idiot.” John whispered to Mary.

Everyone got their speakers and started the game.

“Ah, so that's why the clerk recommended this game.” Schmitty recognized the voice being identical to the clerk.

When their sounds were being played out, however, Schmitty's ones were notably terrible. Not even any farts? Was he trying to lose or something?

\---

Eventually 'Cookie' ended up winning and Schmitty got in dead last.

“Well, I guess it's time to choose how to punish you then, and I think...” 'Cookie' started to say, but then the real Cookie slammed the door open.

“Okay! Maybe if you really wanted to steal my thunder you'd learn how to tie ropes better!” Cookie exclaimed.

“Oh hey, Cookie. I was just talking to Cookie.” Schmitty said casually. Everyone else stared at him, even more dumbfounded. Either he was trolling or really, really stupid.

“Anyway, Faker, I know it's you. You do a terrible impression of me, by the way.” Cookie stated bluntly.

The Faker then revealed himself ashamedly. Well, at least he tried, right?

As he was being cuffed, he whispered something into Schmitty's ear.

Schmitty simply smiled and nodded.

Everybody else just looked confused, until Cookie spoke again.

“Well, since I technically won that game and Schmitty came in last, I get to decide the punishment for him. And I know just the thing.” Cookie smirked, holding up a disc.

Schmitty froze. Oh god please don't let it be that.

“Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we?” Cookie said smugly, booting up the DVD of Schmitty's old You Don't Know Jack moments.

“FUCK!” Schmitty exclaimed. “It's, uh... It's condensed, right?”

“Nope. Everything from TV to The Ride. Enjoy!” Cookie taunted.

“Son of a bitch, I have to watch all that?” Schmitty groaned.

What happened right afterwards mostly consisted of Schmitty cringing at his past self.

“Wow, for once I'm actually agreeing with Guy Towers. What was I thinking?” Schmitty groaned to the point he sounded like he was about to cry.

Cookie was snickering at Schmitty's reactions the whole time. This was perfect payback for his taunting a week ago.

“YOU'RE NOT FUNNY, OLD SCHMITTY! YOU'RE NOT FUNNY AND YOU NEVER WERE FUNNY! AT LEAST UNTIL 5TH DEMENTIA!” Schmitty yelled at his past self.

So much for them being civil today... As it should be.

\---

Before everyone went back in their apartments, Schmitty, out of pure curiosity, checked the ropes in the Conveniently Dark Closet In The Conveniently Dark Hallway.

Yeah, that knot could have been tied better, he thought, but then he took a closer look at the ropes.

They appeared to be cut perfectly in half.

Weird. He never took Cookie to be a skilled rope-cutter.

There was enough weird stuff going on that even Schmitty was a little worried.

He sighed. “I have to know.”

Schmitty then took out his phone and called someone.

“Hey, uh, you wouldn't have happened to find a new way to follow us today, would you?” He asked.

After a pause, he sighed.

“Well if it's not you, then I'm out of luck. Someone's been following me and Cookie today and we have no idea who it is.”

…

“Okay, okay, but just... try to be discreet, okay?”

Schmitty then hung up the phone. Hopefully that would get resolved quickly.

Speaking of discreet, there was something he had to get Cookie to help with.

\---

The next morning, The Faker noticed a tiny package underneath his apartment door.

He picked it up and opened it.

It was a signed picture of Cookie and Schmitty in their old You Don't Know Jack looks.

There was a message written on the back.

_Ask next time before you end up making a fool of yourself. - Schmitty_

The Faker happily held his signed photo and then hung it on his wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Schmitty's opinion of his past self does not reflect my own, I just thought it'd be a good explanation for his personality change  
> Also Note: This chapter is a much better fit for the general tone of the series than the first chapter. And it's only gonna get sillier and wackier from here. 
> 
> Next chapter will be the first to focus primarily on one protagonist, that case being Schmitty.


	3. A Loss For Words

It was the middle of the night. Everyone in the complex was sound asleep.

Obviously that wasn't going to last, as Schmitty was suddenly rudely awoken by a loud noise.

“What the hell was that?!” He exclaimed, before shrugging it off and going back to sleep.

The noise happened again. For some weird reason, it oddly specifically sounded like a clog hitting the ground.

Schmitty sighed, getting out of bed. “Did I leave the door open again?”

He turned the light on, only to find nothing but a book and a book-sized clog on the floor.

“Okay, the book I get, but where the hell did someone get a clog like that?” Schmitty scratched his head.

“Oh, that's just mine. I like to wear it from time to time.” The book spoke in a feminine and generically European voice.

Schmitty glanced at the book, which then started flying in the air through a single tiny wing.

“What? I've seen you talk to those little marshmallow things. What makes a talking book so different?” The book lightly snarked.

“How are you flying with that tiny wing?” Schmitty asked, with a sense of childlike awe in his voice.

“...That's kind of a personal question, my friend.” The book said with an oddly cheerful tone.

\---

Meanwhile, Cookie was laying in bed awake.

He was stuck in a predicament. He couldn't sleep, but Poopsie had plopped herself on his chest, so he couldn't get up or call for help.

He desperately tried to find a way out of this. As he turned his head, he found his phone on one of the side tables.

Okay, so if he could reach the phone, he'd be able to text Schmitty, who he knew was awake, so he could get him to help get Poopsie off of him.

The problem: Reaching the phone.

\---

“So you're an old book known as the Dictionarium, huh?” Schmitty asked the book.

“Yes, I add words to myself on a daily basis! Unfortunately apparently taking words without permission is illegal, so I'm hiding from the police here!” the Dictionarium exclaimed cheerfully.

“Well, I'll call you Dixie for short. I'm Schmitty.” Schmitty said cheerfully. It was hard to tell if he was unaware of what the Dictionarium just said or if he just didn't care.

All of a sudden, Schmitty heard a knock on his door.

“This is the word police! Open up! We're looking for a flying book that's been stealing words!” a voice could be heard from behind the door.

“Schmitty, right? Hide me!” The Dictionarium whispered with urgency.

“Don't worry, I got an idea.” Schmitty replied. The Dictionarium immediately wondered if she could trust that, but went with it anyway.

As the ridiculously armed word police got into Schmitty's apartment they were greeted by not the Dictionarium they were looking for, but some dude wearing pajamas.

Unknown to them, Schmitty was “reading” the Dictionarium, positioning it so they couldn't see the cover.

“What are you reading there?” One of the word cops pointed his gun literally on Schmitty's face.

“Oh this? Just my diary of made-up nonsense! Nothing illegal here!” Schmitty lied terribly. The Dictionarium remained still despite being nervous.

The cop put his gun down. “Alright, but I wanna ask you one last thing.”

Schmitty gave a small hum as he nodded, hoping this would end soon.

“What's your name?” The cop asked Schmitty.

Schmitty knew it would be a bad idea to give his real name so he had to make something up. He glanced at a random object on his desk quickly to get something from there.

“Josh Schmitstinstein.” He blurted out quickly, before immediately realizing he was looking at his planning book.

The word cops then put their weapons back up at Schmitty.

“You're the guy wanted for using forbidden words.” The cop smiled smugly.

The Dictionarium was shaking. Luckily, Schmitty was prepared for this.

“Plan B! Quips!” He shouted.

Immediately afterwards, the Quips flung themselves towards the window, breaking it and giving Schmitty a chance to leap out of it with the Dictionarium in hand.

\---

Goddamnit, how hard could it be to reach a phone?

Cookie had been struggling all that time to grab his phone, but it's always been just out of reach.

To make matters worse, he'd heard the noises of some threatening sounding guys from next door. What if they'd killed Schmitty? What if he was next?

Cookie struggled and reached with all his might. Dammit Poopsie, he thought to himself.

\---

The Dictionarium glanced at Schmitty's arm. “You know, I'm no doctor but I think your shoulder might be dislocated.”

“No shit.” Schmitty said, before realising he shouldn't have said that. “Damn it, I used another one! I'm gonna be arrested for far too many word crimes to get off easy, aren't I?”

“How much swear words have you used?” The Dictionarium asked out of pure curiosity.

“Have you ever seen the You Don't Know Jack games I hosted?” Schmitty asked back.

“No.”

“Good.”

Schmitty then focused his attention to the Quips, which were in pretty bad shape after crashing into the window. He'd put the two most wounded ones in his hair to protect them from further harm.

“What are those little things anyway?” The Dictionarium asked Schmitty, looking concerned.

“They're Quips. Named for what they do in my game Quiplash.” Schmitty explained. “And yes, that has caused some confusion.”

“And these Quips can fly that fast? That's impressive!” The Dictionarium exclaimed cheerfully. She seemed to do that a lot.

“Yeah, usually it isn't this violent though. More like cartoon violence. But I knew I had to use them in this way eventually.” Schmitty sighed.

“You really love the little fellas, don't you? Just like me with my words!” If the Dictionarium had a face, she would be smiling right now.

Then the cops could be heard again, prompting Schmitty and the Dictionarium to hide behind two conveniently shaped bushes.

“The word thief and the pottymouth should be around here somewhere...” One of the cops said, looking around the area.

“Hey, if all else fails, we got those missiles back at the station.” Another chuckled.

Schmitty froze in horror at the mention of that. Missiles? They use missiles now?

“Yeah, those criminals won't know what hit 'em!” The first cop smiled sadistically.

“Anyway, let's search elsewhere.” The other cop said, prompting the cops' exit.

Schmitty and the Dictionarium immediately began to run again once the cops were no longer in sight.

\---

“Why did I throw out my selfie stick?” Cookie groaned, still reaching desperately for his phone.

He then sighed. “Okay, let's think outside the box for a moment here.”

Cookie then carefully lifted his head from his pillow and quickly yanked it from underneath him.

His neck hurt from the strain but he wasn't gonna let that stop him.

He then started smacking the side table with the pillow.

This succeeded in moving his phone!

...About half an inch.

Cookie sighed again. This was going to take a while.

\---

Meanwhile, Schmitty had gotten himself completely out of breath. He had no idea how much longer he could keep this up. He was cold, tired, sore and stressed out. Not a good combination.

One thing was for sure, he definitely was NOT going to let the word police shoot the Quips.

He took the two ones resting in his hair out and put them with the others.

“Okay, you guys all stay here under this bench. I'll be right back, okay?” He told them, with a genuine smile on his face knowing if they listened to him they'd be safe.

As he left with the Dictionarium, she turned to face him.

“You know that's gonna traumatize them, right?” She stated bluntly.

“I think they're already used to that by now.” Schmitty replied.

Schmitty then passed by a store named Liquor And Guns.

“Hey, uh, I'm gonna head into that store back there.” he told the Dictionarium. “Just in case.”

The Dictionarium tilted herself up and down, since that was her way of nodding.

“Thank god this store is open at this time...” Schmitty sighed in relief. “Might as well go to the bathroom here...”

Schmitty walked into a totally normal bathroom door that was most definitely not a trap.

The Dictionarium looked around. Something seemed off with that store sign. She took a closer look at it...

Aha! The sign had fake words on it! They were covering the real words: Word Police Headquarters!

The Dictionarium immediately flew in there. She may have only known Schmitty for a couple of hours, but he was still her friend, gosh darnit!

“Schmitty! Get out of there! It's a trap!” The Dictionarium yelled, only to see no sign of Schmitty.

“Schmitty?” The Dictionarium flew around the 'store' and found a door with a bathroom sign painted on it.

“Please don't tell me he actually fell for that...” The Dictionarium tempted fate before carefully opening the door.

There was a very deep pit in there.

“Schmitty?” The Dictionarium called down the pit.

“Dixie! Hurry down here and get me out! The cops are busy!” Schmitty called up before immediately realizing he shouldn't have done that.

The Dictionarium immediately flew down there despite common sense telling her not to.

\---

One poorly-thought-out cut later, The Dictionarium made it to where Schmitty was being held at gunpoint.

“Now you have two choices, pottymouth. Either you turn yourself in or we're not just gonna shoot ya. We're gonna blow you off the face of the earth!” The word cop closest to Schmitty told him.

“Dixie, I'm sorry!” Schmitty's voice sounded incredibly strained.

“Hey, I'm the book you want! Let Schmitty go and I'll turn myself in!” The Dictionarium called out.

“Really? A thief is gonna turn herself in for a repeated verbal assaulter? What a fucking joke.” The same word cop said, before immediately being shot by another cop.

“Not even we are immune to the law. Nothing personal.” The aforementioned other cop stated, before pointing his gun at the Dictionarium.

Schmitty then got an idea. An amazing idea.

“Hey, why don't you aim your gun better, you moron?” He taunted the cop.

“How about you shut up?” The cop glanced at Schmitty.

“Nah, I don't wanna.” Schmitty stated smugly.

“Think you can get away with making a whole buncha noise?” The cop tried taunting back.

“That's not what your wife said last night.” Schmitty delivered the final blow.

“ALRIGHT BITCH YOU BETTER-” The cop then barely had a bullet miss his head. “OH WHAT WAS THAT FOR?”

“You said bitch!” Another cop yelled, before being shot at by yet another cop.

“You just said it too, dumbass!”

BANG!

“Oh fuck off!”

BANG!

“Can we just drop this shit already?”

BANG!

Before long, the entire room was filled with gunshots and profanities coming from the word police. Schmitty and the Dictionarium used that as an opportunity to escape.

“Whew, that was a close one!” The Dictionarium sighed in relief.

“Anyway, I think we'll be safe for now.” Schmitty assured his new friend. “I'm gonna go back to bed. See you later, Dixie.”

\---

Back at Cookie's apartment, Cookie had swung his pillow enough times that he was certainly almost done.

One swing later, the phone fell onto his bed.

“Finally!” he exclaimed in relief.

He then picked up the phone and got ready to call someone...

Only for Poopsie to finally get off of him.

Cookie's face turned to that of pure despair as he realized all that effort and pain was for nothing.

\---

The next morning, both Cookie and Schmitty were very tired for obvious reasons.

“Ugh, thank god for Betty's eggs.” Cookie said, digging into the breakfast. “If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be up at this time.”

“You too, huh?” Schmitty sighed. He wasn't even going to bother telling Cookie what sort of night he'd been through.

All of a sudden, Schmitty's phone went off.

“Give me a second.” He then took himself into the hallway and answered the phone.

“Yeah, what do you want?”

…

“Really? All of them shot each other? Wow. They really are psychopaths. No offense.”

…

“Oh sure, I'd love to come visit. Hey, mind if I bring Cookie? I feel like you two would get along.”

…

“Okay, great! I'll see you next week!”

Schmitty hung up the phone. Well, that was something to look forward to.

As he went back to eating breakfast with Cookie, he then realized something terrible about the whole thing that changed his entire mood.

“I forgot about the Quips.”

Schmitty then went speeding out of the complex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is one of the things that turns this into an AU  
> I am fully aware that the Dictionarium host is implied to be human/humanoid, but I initially saw her as the actual book and now I cannot see her in any other way, so she's the actual book in this verse.


	4. Tumultuous Meeting of Penpals

Cookie and Schmitty were on their way to visit a friend of Schmitty's. Cookie was surprised anyone stuck with Schmitty long enough to genuinely consider him a friend for one thing, but he had a few other questions on his mind.

“So how did you meet this friend of yours?” Cookie asked Schmitty.

“Oh we've been pen-pals for years, but haven't gotten to meet in person until a little over a year ago. He's great!” Schmitty told Cookie excitedly.

“What do you guys talk about?”

“Oh, we talk about a lot of horror movies. He goes super into detail about how they wouldn't work in real life but we both love them anyway.”

That was a bit suspicious, but Cookie continued anyway.

“So what sort of stuff do you do together?”

“Well as it turns out he's a game host too, and he really likes my game, so we play our games every time we get the chance. Getting to play his game is rare, since he apparently needs a lot of cleaning up beforehand, but it's really something when we do play it!”

“I see.”

“Also he's a REALLY good impressionist! He can do impressions of pretty much everyone! Even me and you!”

_That was a bit creepy..._ Cookie thought to himself. Wait, this wouldn't happen to be linked to that weird time he got messages about some sort of serial killer five years ago?

“What's the name of this friend of yours, anyway?” Cookie questioned.

“I dunno, he seems adamant on not telling me.” Schmitty explained. “So I just call him [Redacted].”

_Another red flag_ , Cookie thought to himself, before noticing they literally passed a sign saying 'Murder Hotel' in flashing letters.

“Schmitty, no...” Cookie groaned. That all but confirmed it. Schmitty had somehow befriended a serial killer.

\---

Cookie and Schmitty arrived at the Murder Hotel. Cookie immediately covered his nose and mouth. Dear god, it even smelled like many people died in there!

“Yeah, that iron-y smell takes a while to get used to.” Schmitty explained, before lowering his voice to a whisper. “I don't tell him about this, but he really sucks at cleaning. I just try to ignore it so we can play his game.”

“Ah, Schmitty! You're here!” a weirdly pitch-altered voice could be heard from the other side of the room. “And don't worry, I made sure to clean in advance so Cookie could play with us!”

Schmitty gave an awkward smile and thumbs up to both of them.

“So you see, I don't exactly want people finding out who I am, so I cover myself entirely. Hope you understand.” [Redacted] said.

True to what he said, he was wearing a gray hoodie with some questionable faded splotches all over it, a mask with holes (at least they THINK those are holes) in it, black gloves, long jeans and sneakers.

For some odd reason the mask emoted though.

“So, uh...” Cookie tried to think of something to say. “I, uh... hear you're a game host too?”

“Yep, that's right! And just like you two, I run a trivia game! Of course, a trivia game where the losers die, but a trivia game nonetheless.” [Redacted] proudly proclaimed.

Cookie gave a disappointed scowl at Schmitty. How in the hell those two are friends, he had no idea.

Wait, didn't this guy just say they were going to play all together?

\---

“So it's real simple, you answer these questions correctly, play through some potentially deadly minigames and then in the final round only one will make it out alive!” [Redacted] explained. “Now Schmitty pointed out that your experience as trivia hosts kinda gives you an unfair advantage, so we'll be going to the killing room every few questions, rather than if you get a question wrong.”

“How did you not get the fuck out of there the moment he brought up this game?” Cookie angrily whispered to Schmitty.

“Look, I know he seems like a weirdo, but trust me, he's great once you get to know him.” Schmitty whispered back.

“Anyway, first question.” [Redacted] called out.

Cookie and Schmitty both answered the first three questions effortlessly. Schmitty was right, their experience with hosting You Don't Know Jack did make this a lot easier with all the stuff they learned from it.

“Gee, you weren't kidding. Anyway, come with me.” [Redacted] then moved the darkness closer to the three of them.

Cookie froze. He could do that?! Was this guy even human?!

He glanced at Schmitty, who didn't even react at all to what happened.

“What the actual hell was that?” Cookie asked quietly.

“Oh that? He just does that.” Schmitty explained.

“How many times have you seen him do that?”

“I don't know, I don't keep count. Weirdo.”

“I'M the weirdo, huh?” Cookie started to raise his voice before the lights came on.

“Okay, we're here!” [Redacted] cheerfully sang.

\---

“Time for some Pegging!” [Redacted] exclaimed, holding up a sign that said “PEGS”

Schmitty immediately burst into a fit of laughter. Even Cookie snickered a little.

“I really need to come up with a better intro for that.” [Redacted] sighed. “Anyway, the goal is simple. Just drop your token and try to avoid the death zones. If you land in a death zone... well, it's not called a death zone for nothing. Good luck!”

Cookie then went into a state of pure panic, rushing to drop his token as quickly as possible, not realizing that this was actually a pretty easy game. No way in hell he was going to die so soon here!

Neither Cookie nor Schmitty died in that game, probably because [Redacted] put the death zones in pretty bad spots.

“Eh, it's no fun if they die so soon anyway, so that was probably for the best.” [Redacted] shrugged. “Anyway, back to the elevator.”

On their way back to the elevator, Cookie and Schmitty could hear muffled noises, including banging on the wall and... scratching?

“Oh, that's just another guest. I didn't want him to interrupt.” [Redacted] then winked somehow through his mask to Schmitty.

Schmitty immediately understood and nodded, much to Cookie's horror.

\---

The next two questions were easy, but Schmitty actually made a mistake on the last one. Or rather, [Redacted] did and Cookie, who honestly didn't know, guessed 'right'.

“But that doesn't make sense! Westminster Abbey was made before Eiffel was even born!” Schmitty protested.

“That's not what my book of fun facts says.” [Redacted] shrugged. Maybe the book made a mistake. Oh well.

He then took Schmitty and Cookie to one of his personal favorite rooms, the Loser Wheel room.

“Well, I'm fucked.” Schmitty smiled hopelessly.

Cookie, meanwhile, had to watch Schmitty spin the wheel to find out how he'd die.

…

But miraculously, he managed to get one of the very small 'LIFE' sections.

“HOW?!” Cookie yelled. “IS IT BECAUSE HE'S YOUR FRIEND OR SOMETHING?!”

“Oh trust me, I'm surprised too.” [Redacted] pointed out. “I'm not the type who avoids killing my friends. If anything that just makes it even more fun!”

“I can't believe I got so lucky there!” Schmitty laughed in relief.

As they got back on the elevator, [Redacted] started mumbling to himself.

“Okay, so next room I'm gonna try and pick one where at least one of them is guaranteed to lose... Oh, wait! This next floor has that room, doesn't it?” [Redacted] chuckled to himself. “Schmitty hasn't seen it yet. It's gonna be great! Of course I'll have to fill in the voting role here, but...”

Schmitty looked confused. Why was [Redacted] so cheerful about this room? Was it anything special? But he decided to not ask about it. It was probably best kept a surprise.

\---

And, as expected, the next set of questions they got all right. Not like it mattered, they both just heard that one of them was going to die.

“So, uh, Schmitty, before we go into the Killing Room, do you remember the first time we met in person?” [Redacted] asked nonchalantly.

“Yeah, you kidnapped me and forced me to read your custom Quiplash prompts as a joke! Of course, I didn't know it was you at first and I went kinda crazy after a few hours of isolation, but it's okay. I got better once you revealed yourself.” Schmitty mentioned casually.

Cookie, of course, was horrified. “You got kidnapped and then forgave your kidnapper because you found out it was your friend?!”

“Yeah.” Schmitty said.

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, SCHMITTY?! YOU'RE NOT NORMAL!” Cookie yelled in complete disbelief.

“Anyway, why do you ask this now?” Schmitty asked [Redacted].

“Oh, no reason. I just wanted to share the story with Cookie before he dies.” [Redacted] lied.

Cookie could immediately tell that [Redacted] was lying. What was the real reason for this? What was in the next Killing Room?

When they got into the next room, they were greeted by not light, but sound at first. An all-too-familiar sound.

“Oh my god. [Redacted], is this why you...” Schmitty began to say, before the TV lit up, followed by the room.

It was playing Quiplash.

“Surprise! Those quotes I had you record were used in this Killing Room!” [Redacted] cheerfully exclaimed.

“[Redacted], I'm flattered, but...” Schmitty still was struggling to speak with how shocked he was at this. “...Don't you think you could have asked for permission? You know... legally?”

[Redacted] shrugged. “Legal isn't in my vocab, y'see.”

“Okay, I'll... let you off this time, just... Ask next time, okay?” Schmitty sighed.

“Anyway, you know the rules. Be funny. I'll be the judge.” [Redacted] said, leaving the other two to write their responses.

Schmitty was struggling to write his response. No matter how hard he tried to focus on it, he couldn't stop thinking about how [Redacted] just did that without even thinking of asking.

He then sighed, and hoped to god Cookie's response was worse before submitting his.

Then the prompt was read.

“Help! I've been trapped! How can I escape this hotel room?! I'm not joking!” Schmitty's voice could be heard through the TV. It sounded like he was legitimately terrified there.

“Yeah, this was around the time he started letting the atmosphere really get to him.” [Redacted] explained.

“What kind of atmosphere was... no. I don't wanna know.” Cookie stopped himself from getting too much information.

The two responses were 'Pray' and 'Burst through the wall Kool-Aid Man style'.

“Okay, so no offense to whoever wrote the other one but there's a clear winner here.” [Redacted] said, before picking the latter answer.

It was Cookie's answer.

“Damn, Schmitty lost at his own game? Now that's a story to tell!” [Redacted] said, before shooting Schmitty with a gun.

“Well, shit.” Schmitty said, before falling to ground and dying.

Cookie was naturally horrified at what he just witnessed. He already had a feeling, but he knew now that [Redacted] was being completely serious.

“WHAT THE FUCK?! SOMEONE! GET ME OUT OF HERE!” Cookie screamed.

“Oh, don't worry. You'll get your chance in just a bit.” [Redacted] assured him. “I just really wanted to show Schmitty this room. I had to tweak the rules a bit but it was worth it!”

[Redacted] then dragged Cookie to the elevator. After hearing a crashing sound and footsteps rushing down the stairs, [Redacted] sped up.

“Come on, let's go to the Final Round.” [Redacted] said, Cookie trailing behind him.

As Cookie got on the elevator, he heard a voice behind him.

“Cookie, hang in there. I'll get you out of here.”

The voice was talking to Cookie as if it was an old friend, but he didn't recognize the voice at all.

Who was that guy?

At the push of a button, the elevator broke down and crashed at the bottom floor.

\---

When Cookie got up from being knocked down, he found himself in a hallway leading to the exit.

“Now, all you have to do to escape is pick every answer that fits this category. You'll be able to progress the more you get right.” [Redacted] explained.

Cookie attempted to run away, but was stopped by some sort of invisible wall. Looks like he had no choice, huh?

“Oh, by the way, Schmitty's still here.” [Redacted] went on. “He's a ghost now, and if he catches up to you, he'll steal your life force and then he can win the game.”

Cookie turned almost white. How did Schmitty put up with this? This was horrifying!

Anyway, a bunch of really easy questions later, Cookie and Schmitty suddenly heard noises behind them, They looked behind them to find darkness getting closer and closer.

Cookie felt something attempting to grab hold of him, as if it was right behind him.

“Don't even think about it, Schmitty. You got us into this.” Cookie said calmly but furiously.

The two then managed to get to the exit, but it was blocked by some sort of field.

“You'll need a perfect answer in order to escape here! Good luck!” [Redacted] chimed in, much to Cookie's annoyance.

“Schmitty, I swear to god if you get this and I don't I'm gonna haunt you for the rest of your life.” Cookie promised.

However, it took a while for either of them to do that. Damn, this section was pretty hard.

Cookie all of a sudden stopped feeling that feeling that someone was behind him.

“Schmitty?” He turned around only to see how close the darkness was.

If he didn't get a perfect answer at that point, that was it. He'd be gone. Just like Schmitty.

But then, all of a sudden, that sound that he kept hearing a couple of weeks ago showed up again, and the shadowy part of the room broke off and fell underground.

“Wh-what?!” [Redacted] yelled. He'd never seen anything like _that_ happen before!

The field around the door also split in half and fell over.

“Cookie, this way.” The voice Cookie heard before could be heard through the door.

Cookie made no hesitation to run towards the voice, but it seemed like it was getting further away from him. Not to mention it looked like there was still more corridor to go through

“Hey! Where are you? Who are you? Do you know me? I don't remember ever hearing a voice like that before!” Cookie yelled to the voice.

“It's for the better you don't see me. Just follow my voice if you want to live. I'm directly above you.” The voice called back as calmly but urgently as possible.

Cookie was alarmed, but for some reason trusted this voice.

\---

He kept following it through the corridor until he got to the lobby. He was almost at the REAL exit.

That was, until, he tripped over some discarded luggage and caught his foot on the handle.

“Get out of there. You're almost...” The voice told Cookie, before [Redacted] burst into the room holding a knife.

All of the doors locked shut as Cookie finally got his foot out of the luggage.

“Think you can cheat at my game and get away with it? Sorry, but anyone that cheats at my game is going to lose. You and that creep above you.” [Redacted] told Cookie very bluntly.

Cookie looked around. There was no way out of this. This was it. This was how he was going to die.

That was until the floorboards above audibly snapped and crashing down to save the day was...

A humanish cat.

“You can torture, kill and do whatever you want to me, but I draw the line at any attempt of harming Cookie.” The cat said coldly.

“So that's what gets you upset, huh? All this time I could have done that but I didn't because Schmitty told me that he's the one I was protecting from you!” [Redacted] shouted.

“I only followed him around to check on him without him seeing me.” The cat explained.

“Wait wait wait, what do you mean 'torture, kill and do whatever you want'?” Cookie asked.

“Oh, you didn't know? Death isn't permanent anymore, apparently. In fact, you apparently died several times in the Binjpipe simulation. I can understand why they didn't tell you though.” The cat bluntly stated.

“Yeah, I actually just came back myself. Sorry for freaking you out back there, I was trying to explain that but you couldn't exactly hear me, huh?” Schmitty said, having just gotten into the lobby.

Cookie was completely speechless. All this time it wasn't even that serious?

“And who are you, anyway? You're the guy that scared the shit out of us by following us that one time?” Cookie said to the cat.

“And the same person that sent you the cat brush.” The cat pointed out.

“You still haven't answered me.” Cookie said impatiently.

“Isn't it obvious at this point, Cookie? Why would I know about Binjpipe and what's been happening to you? Why would I have sent a cat brush specifically for Poopsie? Why would I have wanted to talk to you but been too afraid to face you like this?” The cat asked.

Cookie paused for a moment.

“How do you know about my experience with Binjpipe, anyway?” He asked the cat.

“They took me from you, experimented on me and then turned me into what I am now, by fusing me with various alternate universe counterparts.” As the cat said this, he briefly turned into a Hello Kitty-styled version of himself, then back to his usual self. “Sorry, that happens sometimes. It's a weird side effect. Anyway, after that, they released me and I ended up making a television show inspired by the alternate universes that make me up.”

“Took you from me..?” Cookie's composure cracked. There was no way. They told him they got rid of him. But if that was true, they did get rid of him, didn't they? Just not in the way he thought.

“There's just one more question to ask then. What color socks do I usually wear?” Cookie asked a question only _he_ would know.

“Bright orange.” The cat stated.

Cookie's eyes got wider. That confirmed it. He always did like bothering him right next to his feet.

“...Mayonnaise?”

“I didn't want you to see me like this, Cookie. But yes. It's me.” Mayonnaise said.

“I... I thought you were dead.” Cookie's voice began to tremble.

“I'm not.” Mayonnaise stated bluntly.

It really was his old cat, wasn't it? Only his cats were ever this cold even when trying to be nice. Cookie's face turned to a tearful smile, knowing Mayonnaise was alive all along. Mayonnaise gave a small smile back, which was really the most he _could_ do.

“Aww, isn't that a sweet reunion?” [Redacted] said upon observing this. “But I still need to punish you two.”

Then he stabbed both Cookie and Mayonnaise.

“Ow.” Mayonnaise said.

“Son of a bitch...” Cookie groaned.

Then they both dropped to the floor, dead.

“Be grateful I went with something so simple.” [Redacted] sighed.

“Hey, now that the stalker situation is cleared up, do you think you could let him go now?” Schmitty asked.

“Sure. God, he was creepy. He never even reacted to me torturing and killing him so much.” [Redacted] shuddered.

And then Schmitty and [Redacted] played chess until the other two revived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: This took me a long time to write due to sleep schedules getting messed up, seasonal depression killing my motivation and this also happening to be the longest chapter I’ve written so far. But hopefully this will have been worth the wait. Also I think at this point we can consider this a full-on AU.  
> Also happy Valentine's Day even though there's pretty much nothing romantic about this chapter lol (then again, it can also be about friendship which is present here so)


	5. Hell 2 The No!

Cookie stared at the ceiling with a completely blank expression at 5AM.   
He had just watched the entirety of the first season of The Devils and The Details in a single sitting. Each time an episode ended, he would tell himself to watch just one more.   
Now there was no turning back. He only hoped he would be able to stay awake for the day ahead of him.  
Since pretty much everyone else was still asleep, he went to the kitchen to get himself an early morning snack, only to find an ominous note in the fridge.  
 _Hey, Cookie_  
 _Meet us in the park_  
 _Something's happened to Question 2_  
 _\- Question 5_  
He had no idea what had happened, but he wasn't going to let any of the Question numbers suffer a similar fate to poor Question 4, so he chugged a bottle of energy drink and headed straight there.  
\---  
Meanwhile, Schmitty got a call from [Redacted] waking him up.  
He groaned and answered the phone.  
“It's 5 in the morning, what do you want?” Schmitty yawned.  
“Schmitty, you gotta help me, the health inspector's coming in 2 hours and I haven't had enough time to clean up!” [Redacted] said quickly, in a panic.  
“Why don't you...” Schmitty paused. Yeah, if he did that by himself there was no way the health inspector would pass it. Looked like he had no choice. “Okay, fine. I'll head over there.”  
He sighed as he put on his cyan jacket. Why did they think 7AM was a good time to inspect, anyway?  
\---  
“It got possessed AGAIN?” Cookie asked, visibly alarmed.  
As he'd gotten to the park, the other questions explained to Cookie that Question 2 had been possessed by a demon, similar to the situation when Cookie was under Binjpipe.  
“Yeah, and without Binjpipe around to help this time we don't know what to do. I think it's the same demon that got 10's kid, and it might be harder to get out of a fully grown number.” Question 1 explained.  
“Hm, I did just watch a series about demons. Maybe I could actually have a chance helping with that this time!” Cookie exclaimed optimistically, a rarity for him.  
“Oh, well if you can that'd be great!” Question 3 said cheerfully. “Anyway, uh, first thing we need to do is find Question 2. It sorta... kinda... just ran off.”  
“Well, it can't be all easy I guess.” Cookie sighed. “I just hope there's no Scooby-Doo style montage accompanying this.”  
There was absolutely a Scooby-Doo montage accompanying the search for Question 2. And Cookie hated every minute of it.  
\---  
“Teeth in the ceiling. Really?” Schmitty said to [Redacted] as he reluctantly pulled them out.  
“Hey, there was nowhere else convenient to put them.” [Redacted] defended himself.  
The two had spent over an hour trying to sort out the mess in the murder hotel. Somehow they'd already managed to clean most of it. Even Schmitty had no idea how they managed to do it.  
“Just keep the bucket down there, okay? I'll put it in my car until the inspector leaves.” Schmitty sighed. Being friends with [Redacted] was fun, sure, but it was also a lot of work.  
Schmitty then took a closer look at some of the teeth.  
“These are mine.” Schmitty said.  
“What?”  
“These teeth right here. These are mine.” Schmitty said, holding up the teeth and showing them to [Redacted].  
“Oh yeah, I kinda take the teeth from my victims.” [Redacted] explained.  
“...Why though?” Schmitty asked.  
“Look, are you helping or not?” [Redacted] asked, annoyed.  
“Okay, okay.” Schmitty said, getting back to pulling the teeth.  
\---  
Cookie and the other Question Numbers had finally caught up to Question 2. Just like before, it was sprouting devil horns and laughing like a melodramatic villain.  
Cookie remembered a plot point like this in The Devils and The Details. In his sleep-deprived mind he concluded the best thing to do would be to go up to it and bat it with his hand.  
The problem, however, was that Question 2 was incredibly fast and dodged most of the much slower Cookie's attempts at batting it.  
“What is he doing?” Question 6 whispered.  
Question 4 Jr. shrugged and looked back at its cellphone.  
“You can't get me that easily, sucker!” Question 2 said in a creepy, demonic voice.  
“Try me, asshole!” Cookie said, as he finally managed to hit Question 2 on the head.  
Surprisingly, that worked and the demon shot straight out of the poor number's body.  
The other numbers cheered and Cookie sighed in relief. Thank god that was sorted.  
Then the demon flew back down, heading straight for Cookie.  
\---  
At last, Schmitty and [Redacted] had finally gotten the hotel cleaned up, Just in time for the inspector to arrive!  
“Okay, you go talk to the inspector. I'm just gonna plop myself on this couch.” Schmitty yawned.  
Seemed even with the place as clean as it could be, though, the inspector still got very angry at [Redacted] for some reason. Maybe it was just a force of habit. Who knows?  
Schmitty listened to the two talking as he shifted his position on the couch from sitting to lying down.  
The flickering light was starting to hurt his eyes. Maybe he should just close them for a bit...  
…  
“Schmitty? Schmitty, the inspector's gone.”  
Schmitty woke up to the sound of [Redacted] talking to him. Had he really fallen asleep during all that? That was embarrassing...  
“How'd it go?” Schmitty mumbled, still half-asleep.  
“Pretty good. Thank god he's not allowed to bear grudges in his work or else my hotel would have been done for!” [Redacted] laughed.  
Schmitty had no idea if [Redacted] was actually joking or not. On the plus side, it seemed the inspector wasn't put off by him just being there. Actually, nobody seems to care if he's anywhere for some reason.  
“Well, what do we do now?” Schmitty asked.  
“I dunno.” [Redacted] thought for a moment. “Wanna go to the park and yell at the birds again?”  
“Only if you bring the Weird Al playlist.” Schmitty said.  
\---  
The numbers were freaking out even more than they were beforehand. Yeah, 2 was saved, but now Cookie was possessed, and it looked like the demon had very good control over his body.  
Of course, the reason for this was that Cookie was too tired to fight back. Of all the days to get possessed, it just had to be right after a sleepless night, huh?  
“Damn it, if only we had arms!” Question 8 exclaimed in anger. “We could have helped him just like he helped us!”  
Question 2 looked horrified. Cookie had apparently just saved it, but now Cookie was in the same trouble! And none of the questions had any idea what to do!  
The possessed Cookie then spent his time doing unbearably evil acts such as... peeing in the pond and... kicking down trashcans. So it looked like The Devils And The Details really was accurate, huh?  
Anyway, the real issue was that the demon was kind of stealing Cookie's body. If that wasn't illegal it should be.  
Question 7 attempted to convince the demon to leave.  
“Hello, if you wouldn't mind, our friend here kinda needs his body and, uh, you might wanna go somewhere else to find one for yourself?”  
Cookie laughed, but not like his usual laugh, more of a demonically evil one.  
“You really think that's gonna convince me? You'll have to do a lot better than that.” He said mockingly. Well, there was at least some of Cookie still in there.  
At that exact moment, Schmitty's car pulled up at the park.  
“Okay, we're here and...” Schmitty trailed off as he tried to comprehend what the hell he was looking at. “...What the..?”  
“Oh hey! You're, uh, Schmitty, right?” The 0 of Question 10 called out. “Uh, bit of an awkward time, Cookie got himself possessed trying to save 2!”  
Schmitty stared at the scene in front of him.  
“...Have I been in the normal plot this whole time?” He asked himself.  
“Hey! You guys have arms! Bonk Cookie on the head so the demon will get out!” Question 1 yelled desperately.  
“No need for that. I heard everything.” A mysterious voice called out.  
Schmitty, [Redacted] and the numbers all turned around. Behind them was a red devil man and two young devil girls.  
“I was taking my daughters out so they could buy some new boyband CD that just came out... Ugh, I hope they'll grow out of it sometime...” The devil man groaned. “...Anyway, I happened to see a formless demon flying in the air and had just the idea of how to get rid of it.”  
He turned to his daughters. “Monique, Lucy, show them how it's done.”  
The older of the daughters rushed up to Cookie and karate chopped him on the head so hard the demon instantly got booted out of his body.  
“Sorry, man. It's what we gotta do.” She said casually as Cookie collapsed to the floor.   
The younger daughter jumped up and caught the demon in a jar and quickly closed the lid.  
“Yay! I got it, Daddy! I got it! Did you see that?” The younger devil girl exclaimed, literally jumping for joy.  
“That's my girl!” The father beamed with pride. “Now go get it a butterfly!”  
\---  
Question 4 Jr. approached the unconscious Cookie.  
“Is he okay? 2 got up pretty fast after it got hit...” it said, trying not to show concern but obviously feeling it.  
“Have you seen this guy's eyes? He probably had an all-nighter and needed some sleep.” The devil father laughed.  
“Yeah, demons without bodies will take ANYTHING.” The teenage devil girl explained. “Not their fault the big guy didn't have enough for everyone. Anyway, Lucy's getting the demon a butterfly to possess, so it should leave you guys alone now.”  
“Good.” Question 4 Jr. went back to checking its phone. The teenage devil girl, who by process of elimination was named Monique, joined the number in its teenage angst.  
“Ugh, teens.” The father sighed.  
After the demon possessed the butterfly Lucy caught for it, she released it into the wild. “Be free!” she shouted cheerfully.  
“Wait, Lucy... Monique...” [Redacted] pondered for a moment. “You're not the devils from that sitcom, are you?”  
“Yep, that's us!” The father said proudly.  
“Hey, Cookie was watching your show last night!” Schmitty pointed out. “Man, if he knew you guys just saved him he'd be freaking out!”  
“Yeah, uh, what are we gonna do with him, anyway?” Question 2 piped up at long last.  
Cookie was deep in sleep at that moment. At this point it was pretty clear nothing would wake him up.  
“It's okay, I'll bring him back to his apartment.” Schmitty sighed. “He'd better be grateful he's got me as a neighbor.”  
\---  
Cookie woke up much later in his bed. It was already dark. How long had he been asleep for? He felt a weird pain in the back of his head, like something hit him there or something.  
The door of his apartment was still open. Schmitty must have moved him there. He always forgets to close the doors. Thank god he had the decency to put the key on the table.  
...Huh? There was a bit of paper underneath it.  
Cookie got up from his bed, turned on the lights and read it.  
 _The disclaimer to not try these stunts at home are here for a reason, idiot._  
 _\- Ignatius “Iggy” DeVil._  
Cookie froze. He knew that it was easy to forge someone's handwriting, especially a celebrity's, but... for some reason, he had a feeling that really was the star of The Devils And The Details!  
...How did he miss meeting him?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was probably the weirdest thing I have ever written. But honestly? Thhat's what I love about writing this fic. For this fic I have decided "screw it, I'm gonna do whatever the hell I want", and so I did. So if you guys are put off by this chapter, then turn away. Because I'm only getting started.


End file.
